ONWARD AND UPWARD!

So where does that leave me? Well, pretty happy right now.

You see, I knew all along that I was different inside. But I tried to cope as best I could, because the word "transexual" or "transgender" were meaningless to me. I'd never heard of them before. I was well aware of gays and lesbian, and bisexuals. When I was first diagnosed with Turner's Syndrome back in '92, they told me that I was "X_--X nothing". I not only didn't have the second female chromosome, there was absolutely nothing there in the second slot, like there should've been for Turner's. I was told by the blood tests and all other tests, I was "a gay man in a woman's body" because I found gay men attractive. When I met DS and told him this, he said he didn't have a problem "being gay" for me or letting me be on top for a change. He accepted me for who and what I was.

I tried to be the wife and mother for 15 years while with him, but it was hard. I mentioned repeatedly that I never felt right, that I hated being trapped in a woman's body, etc. DS never tried to force me, but I knew he was having problems relating.

I had an emergency hysterectomy in early 2005 due to having tumors inside. When they did it they said the idea that I didn't have a right ovary was in error--it was on top of my uterus. Or so they thought, since it was a fast emergency surgery. This surgery was not followed up with HRT, and I found that I had no sex drive afterwards. I tried to oblige DS with the act, but my heart wasn't into it at all. This caused increasing problems for us.

One night we got into a fight over the subject, and he blurted out that I should stop trying to be the woman I wasn't and be a man like I should've been. This was meant to hurt me, but after we calmed down, we realized just what he'd said. He maintained that I was transgendered all this time. So I got on the 'net and started researching the subject. And lo and behold--I found a wealth of information about it! The more I found out the more I learned that they were ALL talking about ME! The same experiences, the same feelings, the same trials and problems. Other people shared my experiences. I found out that it was now established that it was NOT a mental illness but rather a condition brought on in utero. Gender identity is fixed when the fetus is only eight weeks old! And gender and sexual identity are totally different things. One can be transgendered and either straight or gay or even bi.

The more I read the more I wanted to learn more. I fit all the criteria of being trans. There was nothing "wrong" with me --it was a medical condition. I hadn't been imagining all the thoughts of being in the wrong body--I WAS in the wrong body! And forget about this religious nonsense of it being a "sin" and "you can change if you accept god". Nature makes mistakes, and sometimes kids are born intersexed physically too. But docs look at the genitals and automatically determine boy or girl. When nature goofs and the kid is born with both genitals or some parts of both, generally they try to "fix" the kid. Trouble is, they very often goof and the outer sexual organs don't match the person's gender inside.

So what is gender anyway? Look at some of my FAQ and find out!

Anyway, I learned that I was transgendered--born in the wrong body. The mind inside was male and always had been, but the body was mistaken as female even though the parts were goofed up. I'd begun my journey to freedom.

Until this point, while I knew that it was possible to turn a male into a female, I didn't know the reverse could happen. So I never gave the idea any serious thought. It had been mentioned that I could have surgery, but I didn't think of it as possible or likely, at least while Ma was alive. But the argument with DS made me reconsider, and the more I found out about the subject, the more I realized it was possible to become outwardly male. There was a process to go through to do it, but it was possible.

I gave this some very serious thought, and decided to "come out" as trans. DS didn't have a problem with it. I thought his mother would freak or reject me. Her words? "What took you so long?!" I was dumbfounded! As simply as that, she accepted me! First hurtle down. Since I had no other family around now, I had no one to judge me for coming out. And since I had no job, no problem there. I'd begun transitioning.

I told my current therapist, who had a background in sexology as well, and she accepted me right away. At first she told me to keep it under wraps and not come out to anyone. But I was supposed to start living full time as a man very soon to continue the process of transitioning, especially if I wanted to ever have surgery to correct nature's little mistake. I was torn between doing what she said and what I was told I needed to do.

I was also to find a doctor of sexology or a psychiatrist with said degree. One has to have two letters from two such persons to get surgery, and one has to see them for a certain length of time. So I began looking for such a person. I found that there were several in the area, mostly in Seattle. That meant a trip up north. And forget about medical insurance covering surgery and therapy. It's not "medically necessary" in their book. And on a limited income, the choices are limited.

I called the local doc, but again, she wasn't covered by insurance. She was qualified and most of her patients were trans. She was able to do all the things I needed her to do. I tried a couple of other places, but the same thing. One refused to take me because I was out of the area. So I called Patty back and asked if we could work something out. She said that as long as I was trying to pay her and made an effort, she'd take me on. I was overjoyed! I'd found my second therapist!

I started seeing Patty Farver about a month ago. She's precisely what I needed. After Lindz, the other therapist, told me not to make an issue of being trans, Patty said that I could pass right now if I got my hair cut, which I did. Up until that point I had hip-length red hair. When I decided to transition, I cut it short. The style wasn't masculine enough, so I cut it even shorter. Now it's in the style of Anakin Skywalker in the third Star Wars film--short but not super short. Just a bit long. I found that now my hair is naturally curly, whereas before it was always super flat and lifeless. I think the hysto changed it. So now I have wavy/curled short hair just on my neck. It looks good as a female, and doesn't look bad on me as a guy. I don't look butch like a dyke either, since it's not shaved short right now. Patty said if I comb it back at the sides I should pass just fine as a guy.

Which brings me to the first problem I had. After starting with Patty, she suggested I go full stream as a man. That means wearing men's clothes AND using the men's room. So after seeing Lindz, DS and I went into the men's room to do our thing. I was scared of being arrested but thought no one would hassle me.

WRONG. DS was doing his thing and I had finished and was on my way out the door when some tall guy with a staff badge came in and confronted me about "You're in the wrong bathroom, aren't you? Get out!" But I was told to not make eye contact in the men's room and to do my thing and get out. No small talk. I freaked and fled the room. I didn't see where the guy went. When DS came out, we were both mad and I was scared. We hurried out of the place and left.

It doesn't end there. We went to the library, and I wasn't wearing my vest like I was earlier. I was obviously a female since at this time I didn't have a chest binder. I went into the ladies room and guess what? Some woman went complaining to the staff about the "man" being in the room! They jumped my case, wouldn't let me explain, and ordered me to leave or they'd call the cops! I was wearing only jeans and a tank top at that point, and I'm fairly chesty. How they could fail to see that I was a woman is beyond me. We were so upset we left there too.

Later that night, I got more upset as time went on. DS realized that there was a gender-neutral bathroom at the library, so I could go there. Same for Target, another store I frequent. As for the others, I asked on the websites I was a part of. It was universal that I get a letter from Patty saying I was trans and might present as either male or female, but that I should be considered as male, and required as such to be addressed as male, and to use the men's room and such. If anyone had any problems, they were to contact her. So I called Patty and asked her for such on her machine. She and I had an appointment the following Tuesday, and she wrote me one on the spot saying this. Now I carry a copy with me at all times. Depending on how I'm dressed, if I can pass as a man I do so.

Karin, my friend in Brazil, likes to get me things. A few weeks ago she got me a bunch of Journey dvd recordings from this one site that Chris also sent me a video from. I'd told her that I had to keep putting off getting my chest binder, which we wear to flatten our chests to appear more male, due to finances. She asked to see the site, and I suspected she wanted to do more than just see it. So I off handedly mentioned the style and size I wanted. The next day she sent me a message from the seller, saying one was on its way. Then I got a further confirmation from UPS saying that it should be here in about a week. So right now I'm waiting for it. It should be here on Wednesday. I'm getting up early to wait for it. Once I have it, and I'm getting the tank top style to ease the digging in from the edges, I'll start wearing it when I go out. Since I'm a big guy anyway, one shouldn't notice the small bumps on my chest which will just look like any big guy's chest.

So now I'm really excited. I see Patty again tomorrow for my third appointment. Halfway there! She usually has patients in transition see her for 6-8 times to get the info she needs for her report, more if they feel they have other issues they want to talk about. She has a set series of things to discuss so one doesn't have to keep going to see her for long periods of time just to get the letters needed to continue their transition. To get to the point of furthering one to get on hormones to transition, this is all the time she needs to get the info to send them to the doc who prescribes them. She works with a handful of trans-friendly docs that don't hassle one about prescribing hormones. All one needs is her report that yes, one is trans and would benefit from hormone therapy of the correct gender, and to follow the Harry B. standards of timing of a three month wait. By the time the sessions are over, and she has one more "session" where she takes the time to write up the report for the doc, it's about three months.

And that takes me up to about my "original" birthday. Trans people usually cite the day they came to terms with being trans, or "came out" as trans, to be their "real" birthday. My real birthday is Sept. 13. My "original" birthday is the end of Jan. About the end of Jan., I'll be done with Patty and have my report, and should be or have seen the doc for my new hormones. I'll be on testosterone, my correct hormones, for the first time. I'll have to continue them for the rest of my life, but considering that I HAVE no gender hormones right now, I need to be on something, which will now be "T" as we call it. Patty made the comment that with all my other meds, it'll be interesting to see how I react to being on the correct ones finally. Also, she said that it sounds more like it that what the other doc thought was a misplaced ovary was in fact an undescended testicle, owing to the Turners and placement of the organ. It wasn't tested when it was found, just given a quick look and taken out. They weren't expecting to find anything there, so they didn't really look it over to see just what it was. So my feeling male all my life isn't that far-fetched.

Patty has already, the first time we met, diagnosed me as transgender. I should have been born a man. Nature makes mistakes, or not mistakes if you feel as we do that there are more than two genders. Gender and sexual orientation are different. Sexual orientation is which sex one is attracted to. Gender is which sex you identify with. Don't let any "church" or "god" tell you otherwise--or that trans people can "change". It's hardwired in the brain. An increasing number of children are found to be trans at a very young age, before they're aware of male and female. Give a trans "girl" a doll, and she'll reject it in favor of a truck. I know I did--and continued to do so to this day. No amount of conditioning will change that child. They may hide this fact and oblige one by pretending to be "normal", but you will only harm the child by forcing them to be someone they're not. One also doesn't outgrow being trans. Either you are or you're not. Most people are not. Only one percent of people are truly transgender.

That brings me to the thought of the differences. Transgender is identifying with the opposite sex, as one of them, as being "born in the wrong body". Sex is what the genitals say one is, not who one may truly be inside. Transexual is one who has undergone surgery to become one's true gender. Gender is which sex one identifies with. Homosexual is being attracted to the opposite sex. It is NOT the same as transgender! Transvestite is one who dresses in the garments of the opposite sex, but does not want to become the opposite sex. They may or may not get a sexual thrill out of the act.

This means that one may be transgender/transexual and be either homosexual, bi, or hetrosexual, just as non-trans people can be.

So you see, these are very different. I feel a few rants coming on about those people who INSIST they are the same, in that trans people are really gay only, or that they could "change if they really wanted to or accepted god". Science proves such sorts dead wrong. I have a lot more to say about this particular matter, but I'll save it for the rants' sections.

12/16/06

Well, I've seen Patty four times now, and the next visit is this Tuesday. Meeting number 5. I realized that at the rate I'm going, it will take 4-8 weeks to get through the rest of the visits with her, then a couple of weeks for the report to be written, and then more time before I can call the hormone doc and get set up. Which means that at this rate it'll be March before I can start T. So when I see her next I'm going to start going in every week so we can get through this faster. I'm eager to get started on the right hormones for a change!

I have also found out more info about my body. I was not only born with a testicle inside, I was born outwardly intersexed as well. And they just removed all the male organs and turned me into a female, mainly due to Billie's insistance on having a girl at all costs. It explains a lot about me physically too. I swear, if that woman was still alive, I'd give her such a piece of my mind she'd die on the spot! Instead of letting me choose what to do with my body, she/they decided for me due to their own selfishness. Needless to say, I'm infuriated over this!

I've been wearing my new binder when I go out. I still don't pass well yet, but I do my best. Right now it's my voice that gives me away. I got "Ma'am"ed the other day and it really threw me for a loop. I'm so used to being seen as a male that when society doesn't see that it really ticks me off. Luckily, the voice is the first to change and quickly. So I'll just go, "EXCUSE ME?!" to the next person and throw THEM for a loop!

And despite the lack of hormones inside, I've come out as gay for my orientation. I realized that I was always attracted to men--bishonnen males. Men with long silky hair, the longer the better. You couldn't pay me enough to find a short-haired guy attractive. I love male bodies and certain male personalities, the softer, gentler ones.

Now, that does NOT mean I'm straight. I'm a transguy who prefers men--that makes me gay. Stop thinking that I'm female who likes men and that makes me hetro. I'm NOT female in any sense of the word. Eventually the body will match the mind. Cedar Sini was right--I'm a gay man. If I could've, I would've only dated bishonnen all these years. The hetro men I've loved happen to have a soft side to them, even if they were straight. All these years, I should've stuck to gay men with long hair--would've saved me a lot of grief. But since most gay guys are size queens, none of them would've given me a second glance. That's why I'm not expecting to find another relationship until after I have bottom surgery.

And it looks like I might have a phallo done instead of just a meta. I found a doc in my price range in PA that I liked. This will give me a bigger dick too. I'm keeping this in mind.


1/6/07

Well, I'm back. Had some problems with my computer power cord. Am borrowing my brother DS' right now. Have to replace that cord, but it's not a standard thing the store's carry. So I have to order it. And to do that I need money. Problem is, my car timing belt just died and took all my money with it. So I'm on borrowed time here!

I've talked to a number of guys about phallo surgery. Leis, the doc in PA, does some very nice work and it's in my price range. Then I discovered a way to finance this surgery and top surgery with med insurance, so I'm going that route instead. I've seen the work of several other docs that do phallo surgery and am fairly well decided who I'll go with.

I also heard some negative things about this local doc that does top surgery. My bud went to see him and had a very bad experience with him. Won't be having surgery by him. Also, this guy doesn't do letters confirming he did the work, which is a standard proceedure for transpeople to get. He said no one had asked about them before and he wasn't sure about the legal ramifications of the letters. Red flags! I didn't like this at all and called the place to cancel my consult. I don't want some bozo who doesn't even want to write a letter confirming he did the surgery!

Patty called me last week and said she had the report done for me. Wanted to get it to me so I could get set up with an endo before she went on vacation for 2 weeks. After a few hassles with the nurses at Enkema's office, I got them to understand that I'd already consulted him about getting on T and he was fine with that and was ready to refer me out to an endo. He just forgot to do it. It took a week of calls and hassles with these bimbos but they finally asked him if he'd done this. He said yes and to go ahead and refer me out. So I finally got an appointment with an endo on Jan. 24 to get on T. So around my original birthday, I'll be starting T. Enkema's office can do the shots for me, or J can do them until I get the hang of doing it myself and get up the guts to so so.

I've been fighting with "Ana" all my life. That's what they call anorexia. Those that suffer from this condition often embrace and love this. They don't want to get well. After talking to some anorexics, I can see why they feel the way they do. Look at all the fat people out there! I don't look like I have the condition, but I'm borderline anorexic. The reason for this is all the abuse I put up with from the old man, how hateful he was of anyone overweight yet was also overweight himself. I fight with food all the time. It's also a type of depression. Taking meds has helped me. Plus now I know that a lot of my fat will turn to muscle due to being on T. The main problem I have right now is that near the last week or so of the month, food runs short here. For an anorexic, that's a dream come true. But when you want to eat and there's nothing, it really is hard to deal with. Forced starvation and elective starvation are two totally different things.!

I've been on a couple of sites that also push fat acceptance. And their mentality there is insane. They insist that they love being fat, that it's normal and healthy, they have NO health problems, and everyone else should accept fatness as normal. Man, that sort of thinking makes me sick! I've got a rant I'm working on for that one!

1/30/07

I'm BAA-AACK!

I've been gone for a while due to my comp power cord giving out. Been a month since I've been on it. I used DS's comp for a while, but it gave up the ghost and needs a major overhaul. That left us with no comp in the household. I tried getting a cord for my comp thru' the local Apple store, only to run into a roadblock there too. Finally got one thru' them today, so I'm updating things now. I've got 115 emails to go through too!

So a bit more of an update here. I saw my new endo last week finally. All went well. He has a bunch of bloodwork done this visit, and made me wait yet another month to come back and get the results. Then if all is well, and it should be, he'll clear me to start T. That's Feb. 23. Damn, I can hardly wait! I want my beard! With my luck I'll get really fuzzy all over too.

I'm trying to get back in college. All I have to do right now is get the financial aid taken care of. Once that finalizes I can go back. I've already been accepted at the college. I was going to take more English classes, but they want you to also take a foreign language for 2 quarters. Hmmm, not sure about that one. I'm going to take some additional writing classes and probably make Speech my major. Sure, I'm disabled and not planning on getting a job from this, but it will help with my writing and any books I publish in the future, plus any additional writings I do. Almost everything is done to get in. Just have a few last minute things done.

I've been using my electric wheelchair all the time the past few weeks. My car is still in the shop waiting for the guys to get to it. They fixed the timing belt problem, but it still kept dying all the time. We've been taking the bus all over, since we both get free bus passes through our therapists and SSI. Having my chair gives me the freedom to get around. The first week my car was on the fritz, I didn't have use of my chair. It was in the car at the shop. So I walked around to the places I had to get to via the bus. BIG mistake! When I got home that first day after walking around, my legs and back seized up so badly I almost had to go to the E.R. I was in some serious pain! Never again! So as soon as we could get there, we retrieved my chair from the car, and I've been using it ever since. What freedom! I can barely walk down to the cars downstairs and around the apartment, my legs and back are so bad now. But with my chair I can go everywhere! If I'm alone, I kick it up to full speed and take off. I manage the bus fairly well. And since I'm disabled, I get a special rate if I have to pay on the bus. And this time, getting around campus for college won't be a problem.

2/6/07

Added a guest rant to the regular listings.

Got into college. I'm just now waiting for my financial aid to come through. If it does, I'll be going back to college spring quarter.

Also looked into getting a new kitten this year, a Ragdoll. I've wanted one for several years now, and we should be able to afford one. We have several good breeders and one of them just told me that she'd love to send one of her babies to live with us. Our cats are service animals and inside only cats. This would make our gang three cats and two people, with room to grow.


02/23/07

Well, the BIG DAY has come at last! Yep, I started T today! I was able to get it at the doc's as they keep some in stock for a guy's first shot and that way can show them how to do it right.

Easy stuff. I think everyone's had a shot, right? No big deal. The main thing was, at this doc they give it in the arm or the butt as those are the places a person can't reach on their own to do. When I do it myself, I'll do it in the upper thigh where I can reach. Makes sense. And you alternate places so the area doesn't get too sore or such.

Here's what you do: You prep the shot by withdrawing the amount needed into a new syringe. Then you use a new alchohol prep pad or a cotton ball with alchohol and swab the shot area. Then you wait a sec for the area to dry--otherwise the shot will sting worse from the alchohol being pushed in wet. Then you pinch the skin a bit, aim, and shoot like you're throwing darts. You DON'T want to press and shove it in especially not at an angle. I asked my allergist why they did it that way, straight on, and they said it pierces less skin that way. Anyway, you then slowly push the plunger--the fluid the T is suspended in is thick and if you go too fast it'll spurt out of the side. And then you lose some and have to rub it in. Won't work as well that way. "The burn says it's working!" they say. The fluid doesn't hurt like flu serum when it goes in. At least mine didn't. Now, my arm is a little sore from the needle but that's it. I didn't have any noticeable rush or feeling of anger or anything like that. But then again, I take a mental health med for emotional balancing anyway, so that's probably why I didn't notice any emotional problems.

So how do I feel? I feel great! Ecstatic! I know that the compound is in me, starting to work its magic. I've had a cold all week, so I probably won't notice my voice changing at all for a few, and then I'll go, "Hey, my voice is deeper!" That's usually the first thing tranmen notice changing. I'll keep you posted on what happens next!

5/15/07

Well, my voice has continued to drop. I have a very slight, pale mustache but no real facial hair yet. I've gained some weight the past couple of months and I have noticed some definate upper body strength. My neck is thicker and my face thinner and more angular. I actually have the the hints of high cheekbones--with my stocky face!

I don't "pass" yet, but that will come soon. I continue to get my bi-monthly T shots, generally given by J instead of the doc as I don't often have time to go there for them. Don't have the guts to do them myself, which J says isn't unusual.

I AM getting sick of the "ma'am"s I get all the time. It's very offensive to me, and one of these days I'm going to blow the person off who calls me that. It's really annoying, when you're a guy but people see you as a gal. Man, when I get my facial hair the short beard STAYS!!


So that's the latest from my end for now. More rants and goodies coming up!

So there's that for now.



10/13/07

Hey, gang--I'm BACK! You can't get rid of me that easily! My computer died after 4 hard years of constant use and not giving me any problems. It was a Mac and cost a fortune. Hard drive died. I had the money to fix it but other bills got in the way. So I've been without a comp for a number of months.

Went back to college at age 48. Got the money and replaced my comp with a PC this time. Didn't feel like fixing the Mac yet as I bought the thing for work as an artist and then ended up too crippled to work. It was a constant frustration to me that so few things existed for Macs. So I got a PC this time.

So now I'm playing catch-up on everything, including college. I've been out for a week due to falling on the stairs in the rain. Deep contusions on both knees, and I've got major mobility and back issues. I use a wheelchair nearly all the time. But it doesn't slow me down.

I still don't have much facial hair aside from a faint mustache that most people don't see. But the other day a little kid saw me and warned his granny that "a man in a chair was coming around the corner" in a store. She did give me a careful look before telling him I was a female. But I was smiling the whole time!

My voice is really pretty deep now. I've got a fair amount of body hair all over. Seems like it started coming in at my ankles and is steadily moving up the body. I no longer have a female form, the pear shape I was. Now I'm rectangle-shaped, stocky and strong. I can no longer lift weights due to an old shoulder injury coming back, but I'm still pretty strong. J is giving me my testosterone shots like she has been all this time. I don't have the guts to do it to myself. I get them in the shoulders every two weeks. Slowly but steadily, I'm changing.

I cut my hair really short again, even shorter than the first time. It's not super short, but it's barely onto my neck now, with the bangs brushed back. Definately looks better that way.

And my drive is huge from the T. I've discovered, since I'm now looking at people as a man would, that I'm also attracted to women very strongly. For a while there I thought I was just after them, but then I started looking for long haired guys again on line. And MAN, did it grab my attention! So it looks like I'm neither gay or hetro but bi. I only like guys with long hair, though, just as before. I don't give guys with short hair a second glance--they remind me too much of my abusive adopted father. And GWB, the sack of shit. I've explored the issue with Dee, my therapist, and we've figured out what stiffled me all these years and what drove me the way I did. I only like certain types of women and men for partners and lovers. But then again, who doesn't have preferences?

You know I've been a Steve Perry fan for 30 years now--the singer of Journey, not the black guy of the same name or the writer. I've had some small amount of things on this guy named Hugo, who does a Perry tribute that is so dead on even I can hardly tell them apart from the way Steve looked 20 years ago.

Well, when I got my comp again I caught up on things with Hugo. And then I found his last name, which made finding stuff a lot easier. And a bunch of new pics and vids and audio. That man is so gorgeous he oughta be ILLEGAL! He and Steve both. Yeah, I know he's happily married and that means I won't touch. But a guy can dream and enjoy anyway, right?

I thought all my Perry stuff was locked on this disc that was formatted for Mac. Then I found a disc I'd made that had a copy of all of it, up to 2005. So I'm missing a bit of recent stuff and the stuff I had on Hugo. But I had made other discs on Hugo's work, and printed up his pics. So I can still use them until I get the Mac fixed and can read that disc again--provided that was the cause of the disc drive not working right. If that thing is still on the fritz, I won't fix it till winter quarter, provided I don't bomb out this quarter from missing a week.

And everyone here is fine. DS is weird as ever, and the cats are racing around like their tails are on fire.

I'm going to be adding pics to this site, but not of me. Don't have a scanner yet. Check out the upcoming Hugo and Steve pics.

Journey canned their latest singer after less than a year and cancelled the rest of this year's tour. Their website is dead and down too. They claim they're spending time with their families and deciding what to do next. Rumor has it that they're toying with this kid to sing for them, who is a foreigner and can barely speak English right. He sounds a little like Perry, but Hugo is a spot-on perfection of his voice, and he's a dead-ringer for him. This kid isn't. With his accent so heavy I can barely understand him. I think they should've bagged it when they canned Augie. They've been doing festivals and nightclubs, and last year they were the OPENING ACT. I dumped them when they fired Augie for losing his voice--because Neal pushed him into a very long tour and made him sing nearly every night for nearly 3 HOURS! Not even Per could do that with his strong voice. And then they were lip synching last tour of Aug's too. I just gave up on them--they're a lost cause. I'd far rather watch Hugo and Evolution do their tribute to Journey! And don't get me started on how they look now--Ross looks worse than Keith Richards! Yuck!

I've been working on new stories. These are geared to adults and are X-rated. Not for publication here. If anyone wants to know more, let me know and I'll send you the info when the site is up.

Go on to "Come With Me Now..."